Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
