i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
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I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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