y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
