My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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