i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize