if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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