No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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