I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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