I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
