Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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