Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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