I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
