Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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