I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
