a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Randomize
