just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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