Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
