Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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