I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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