A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently you make a good broom.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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