he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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