this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
