I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
