I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
