He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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