In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
