I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
