Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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