Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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