dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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