I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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