I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
