I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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