When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Fuck me I smell like cheese
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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