and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
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So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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