I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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