The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
