the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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