im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
