Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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