either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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