tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He has the fingertips of a God
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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