I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
