God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
