I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
