mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
