but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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