I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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