its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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