Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I want to be your penis for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize