You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
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i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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