Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize