I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Boobs speak an international language.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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