That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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