i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
