Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
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Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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